Coming Clean
by LucklessSlinger
Summary: Meredith must choose between safe and comfortable in her new relationship, or the intense love she has for Derek. Will she risk being hurt again?
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: I don't own them. If I did, I would be extremely happy, but alas I don't, so I'll continue being not extremely happy and playing in fantasyland. Don't sue me, Shonda Rhimes is god, hypnotic toad says to watch the show and that this story is just fiction. The end.

5:15 am. The alarm clock rings, breaking the peaceful silence, and sleep, of Meredith Grey. It does not take long for her to turn the offending clock off and roll out of bed. She is dead tired, dark circles forming under her eyes from working extraordinarily long days, but she would be off of work a little past noon since she was hitting the eighty hour limit. After a quick shower, she hurried downstairs to grab coffee and a bagel before heading out for another day of blood, guts, George's silence, and the longing glances of McDreamy that never seemed to stop.

"How come you are always the first one awake in the morning?" Meredith asks as she turns toward Izzie, sitting at the table munching away on a bowl of cereal.

"Someone's got to make the coffee or you and George wouldn't have been awake for rounds, and now there's so much coffee left over since George is gone -" Izzie replies around a mouthful of cereal.

"Izzie. Don't. Not again." Meredith sighs exasperatedly, having gone over this time and time again with her. The continuing blaming on Meredith of George's moving out was wearing thin and she was tired of the fact that Izzie couldn't deal with the situation like an adult, instead of 'choosing sides,' like they were in the fifth grade again.

"Fine. But that room upstairs is lonely and needs someone to live in it, and you know how hard it is to find a decent roommate." A pause. "Is that a new conditioner? It smells good."

"Yeah, it's tangerine scented. My old one stopped working." Meredith replied.

"It makes your hair look really good. Lots of volume. Just saying …"

Both girls fell silent as they picked up their bags and headed to work.

As Izzie and Meredith walked into the hospital, they immediately felt a buzz of noise that usually indicated some big piece of gossip. As they headed towards the locker rooms, they saw the nurses turn towards them, look at Meredith in particular, and then go back to talking. Meredith felt like she was under a microscope again, like when Addison first came into the picture. They suspected something was up, probably something with the Shepherd's, but they didn't find out what it was until they made it to the locker room. All of the interns were in the locker room, busy changing into their scrubs, and Meredith headed straight for Christina.

"What's going on here? Why is everyone looking at me? I haven't had an affair with any attendings recently, so what now?" Meredith asks while rummaging around her locker.


	2. Chapter 2

"You didn't hear yet? The Shepherd's are officially divorced now. There's so much stuff going around about it, no one really knows why, but you seem to be one of the main reasons" Christina replied bluntly and would have continued, but Miranda Bailey stepped into the room

"Yang, O'Malley, I need you in the pit, there's an incoming case. Two people, car accident. I need you two to take a look. Grey, Dr. Shepherd needs you upstairs to run some tests on one of his patients, and Stevens, you're with Montgomery-Shepherd today."

While the rest of the interns headed towards their respected jobs, Izzie and Meredith walked to the elevators to find the doctors.

"So do you have another date with Finn tonight?" Izzie asks, grinning at the mention of the new man in Meredith's life.

Meredith blushed. "He's taking me to this little Italian place a couple of blocks from here. It's supposed to be nice."

"This is what, the fourth or fifth date now? Is it serious?"

"Fifth." Meredith replied. "And I'm not sure. It doesn't feel serious, but it's just beginning. It's just … he's attractive, and sweet, and makes me feel comfortable. I don't have to worry about anything with him. I don't have to worry about a wife appearing out of nowhere or him lying to me or anything like that. It's just comfortable."

"Maybe that's what you need right now." Izzie said as the elevator doors opened at her floor, and she stepped out looking for Addison.

As the elevator doors were closing again, Meredith replied softly to herself.

"Yeah. Just maybe."

A few seconds later she arrives on the surgical floor, preparing to assist on a surgery on a case that came in yesterday. As she's walking towards the scrub room, she sees Derek, and he gives her a small smile. She nods back at him, not completely trusting the looks and gazes he always gave her. He was a married man, and the looks that he gave her always said too much, and he did it while he knew that she was trying to move on. She didn't know whether these looks were on purpose, a device used to keep her hanging on to him or they just occurred naturally, without much thought. For whatever reason they happened, those looks always hurt her, just a little. They kept her hanging on, when she wanted to move on. But lately … it didn't hurt as much; everything that centered around him was just … fading.

"You ready for this surgery?" Derek asks, grinning over at her as they walk up to the sink and start scrubbing in.

"Of course." Meredith replied, and after that, an uncomfortable silence overtook them, and several seconds passed.

"Look, I wanted to tell you before you found out elsewhere, and just come clean, but it's gotten around to the rest of the hospital, and I don't know how that happened but anyway …" Derek let out a long sigh "Addison and I are divorced. We signed the papers last night."

Meredith stood there, expecting to hear this from the gossip earlier that day, but still unable to fully comprehend it at the moment.

"I'm sorry to hear about that. How are you doing?"

"Meredith, I wanted to let you know that I was the one to initiate it. I asked her for the divorce."

"I don't understand, I thought you were trying to make the marriage work?" Meredith asks, confused.

"Since she came back, I was trying, honestly. I did, in a since, but never really could make it happen, and it was over a long time ago. And I… I was too in love –"

"No, Derek, don't say it. Not now." Meredith bites out, and walks into the operating room.

Derek stood there for a few seconds, following Meredith with his eyes as she walked away from him. He hung his head and took a deep breath. He realized that if he and Addison were honest with themselves, the marriage was over before she even came to Seattle. They were hanging on to the memories of what they had and not actually considering the feelings they had for each other in the present. But even now that he was free from his marriage, Derek didn't want to jump back into a relationship with Meredith. The whole hospital was placing bets on how long it would take for them to jump in bed together, but he realized he needed time to close this chapter of his life before he moved on, whether that was with Meredith or not. He was in love with her, that he could admit to himself, but he was not ready to be in a relationship again. With that thought, Derek finished washing up and walked into the operating room.

"Alright everyone, it's a beautiful morning to save some lives. Let's have some fun"


	3. Chapter 3

That night Meredith visited Finn at his apartment. As she walked in, the smells of home cooked lasagna and garlic bread greeted her, along with a smiling Finn.

"It's good to see you, how was your day?" he asked as he gave her a kiss on the cheek.

Meredith gave him a broad smile and dropped her purse onto a chair near the door.

"It was alright. Just another day of charts, rectal exams, enemas, and maybe a bit of surgery. But it's the rectal exams that just stay with you," she replied with a sarcastic grin as she made her way over to the counter to pour herself a glass of wine.

"Mmm, I can emphasize. Try sticking a thermometer up a bull terrier's ass. They tend to be a bit touchy about things like that."

Meredith laughed, their banter was light and fun, and he always made her laugh. For a man who had been through so much, he really had a great sense of humor. Maybe with all the pain that he had to go through, he chose the path that made the best sense. Life doesn't make sense, might as well laugh at its expense once in awhile. And who couldn't laugh at the irony of the fact that to make people, and animals, healthy that every once in a while you had to stick things in uncomfortable places?

Finn walked over to the stove and dished up two plates of lasagna and salad and put the garlic bread on the table. There were no candles lit, the lights weren't dimmed, and there was no romantic music playing in the background. It was simple, with no indication that this man's sole purpose was to seduce her and get her into bed. Meredith was ok with this, enjoyed it even, she had space to think, to get her head leveled after all the drama of the last several months, and she was able to do this with a man who put no pressure on her. She felt something for him, maybe not love, not yet, but she could see herself in a relationship like this.

Finn noticed the faraway look on her face and asked her about it, and she was caught off guard a little. However, she didn't want to comment on what she was really thinking. Instead, she brought up Derek.

"I scrubbed into a surgery today with Derek. He told me some things. He divorced Addison."

"Did he admit he was still in love with you?" Finn asked rather bluntly.

"Gee, you get straight to the point don't you?"

"It's what I do best. Other than cooking, sex, poker, and those famous rectal exams, of course. Now, you avoided the question."

"I think he was going to say that, but I stopped him before he said it. I don't know. I rather he not have explained it. I'm through with this, I've washed him right out of my hair," she said, hoping to put the issue behind her.

"I bet he's still in love with you."

"Finn, can we just move on? I don't want to talk about this," Meredith pleaded.

Finn grinned. "That's fine with me. This is an issue for you to think on. I like you, I really do, but it's clear that you were once in love with him; it's not uncommon to be a little … confused right now. Just be honest with me. And you do have a tendency to work yourself up into a tizzy, so just relax. Eat the food and we'll watch a movie later. I guarantee the food is good, at least I think it is."

Meredith laughed. "Yeah, it's good. It's been awhile since I've had any home cooked food other than the brownies and cupcakes that Izzie stuffs into me. And thanks. Really. By the way, it's your turn to choose the movie for tonight."

"Oh thank god, finally I get to watch something other than some chick flick."


	4. Chapter 4

Freedom was a heady feeling.

Weeks after his divorce from Addison, Derek had the complete freedom to do whatever he wanted without another pair of eyes watching his every movement, at home or at the hospital. He could go fly fishing in the morning and bring the trout he caught inside and cook it for breakfast. Or he could go fly fishing in the evening and bring his catch in for dinner. Basically, he could fish without any yelling about bringing the fish inside when that person really wanted to yell about living in a trailer on a vast expanse of land.

He could also go to Joe's and order a scotch without worrying about meeting anybody there or having to go back home early to be his wife. He was able to make his own choices, his own decisions, without having a responsibility to anyone else. For weeks he was able to do this and had almost no desire to change his current way of life. The key word there: almost. Despite all this freedom, he still desired Meredith Grey. Now that he was a free man, he could spend his time going on walks with her and Doc or talking with her at the hospital without Addison showing up unexpectedly, smiling sweetly at Meredith and acting like friends. He didn't believe that Addison actually wanted to be friends with her or even that she just wanted to keep her "competition" close; she was just keeping an eye out for any warning signs, the same signs that she had exhibited when she began her affair with Mark. She hadn't been worried about Meredith making a move on him; she was worried about him making the first move. But he had remained faithful, though still distant. So they had come to the mutual agreement to end their marriage.

Now, the nurses had begun whispering again of a relationship between him and Meredith, not trusting either of their denials or the fact that Meredith insisted she had a new boyfriend. This didn't deter the nurses and other doctors from talking. As long as no one outside of Meredith's close friends had seen him, they didn't actually have to believe or admit he existed. Yet, Derek knew he existed, even met him once a few weeks back when he walked Meredith out of the hospital, where Finn surprised her by showing up to take her to dinner. The meeting was awkward and tense, a short handshake, followed by Derek quickly taking leave of the couple.

In the present day however, Derek was able to enjoy all the perks of being a free man, but missed being in a relationship, coming home to a lover to spend his time with. He missed waking up with someone, and sharing his bed, and his food, and more and more he began missing Meredith. He wasn't sure about the "correct" way to recover from a divorce or the right timeframe to do it in; all he knew was that his marriage had been over long before they actually divorced. And while he knew there might be many obstacles in his way, he thought about moving back into a relationship again.

And at the same time, across town, Finn and Meredith were curled up on a couch watching a movie. Meredith was resting her head against Finn's chest, his arms wrapped around her, and the legs entwined together. After a long day at work for both of them, they got take-out and enjoyed a simple night together watching movies at Finn's.


	5. Chapter 5

Meredith slung her purse over her shoulders as she left the hospital and headed over to The Emerald City Bar. She was going to meet George and Izzie there when they got out of a surgery, which she was hoping wouldn't last too long. But for now she crossed the street at a slow jog and headed inside, sitting down at an empty chair at the bar.

"Hey Joe," she said, greeting the bartender as he walked over.

"Hi Meredith, what are you having to drink? Tequila?" he asked, motioning over to the bottle.

"Nah, I'll have a vodka tonic, just waiting on George and Izzie to get over here."

"Well, Derek's here, in the back. Maybe you can keep him company before …"

"No, no … that's alright Joe. I'll just watch the uh … World Poker Tournament right now," Meredith said, as she grimaced towards the show on the television above the bar.

"Well, your call, but I think he'll be over anyway with the way he's looking at you."

"Joe, I'm with Finn now, you know that," she said.

"Yeah, yeah, you're with Finn, you've moved on. At least you're not knitting anymore."

Suddenly Meredith's shoulder was bumped as someone slid into the chair next to her. She glanced over, not surprised that it was Derek, and wearing the same red shirt that he had on the first them they met. She just shook her head, trying to clear it of the memories it brought back.

"True, at least she's stopped knitting. So it's serious this thing between you and Finn?" Derek asked as he brought his glass to his lips, taking a sip.

"Derek …" Meredith started to speak.

"Meredith …" Derek interrupted, looking over at her with a small grin on his face.

She breathed in deeply and turned to face him.

"Derek, you don't get to ask me those questions. You're not my friend, I don't know if we ever were but I can say that we are not friends right now. You can't be my friend when you say that you love me the day you divorce your wife, you can't be my friend when I asked you to pick me and you didn't. You can't be my friend and you can't ask me those questions," Meredith said, the words pouring out of her before she could stop and think.

"Fine. We're not friends," Derek replied, not ruffled at all by the words she spoke, and took another sip of his drink.

"Wh-what?" Meredith stuttered, expecting him to at least fight her on the 'we're not friends' part of her little speech.

"I said that's fine. We're not friends. A friend certainly wouldn't try to go after the girl he loves when she's in a relationship with someone else. So, I'm not your friend," Derek said, throwing a couple of bills down on the table before nodding at Joe and leaving the bar with a small smirk on his face.

Meredith sat completely still, shock written all over face at what Derek had just said. She didn't expect him to say that, although she admits she had no idea what he would say otherwise. She was angry at him for throwing a new wrench into her life that she didn't want to deal with, shocked that he suddenly seemed so intent on pursuing her again, and, she finally admitted to herself, a little giddy that the butterflies were again floating around her stomach. With Finn, there was a calmness and comfortableness that she hadn't felt in a long time, but there was nothing of the same heart-stopping, world shaking intensity she had felt in those few minutes of conversation with Derek.

Joe stepped over to her when Meredith wordlessly held up her empty glass and filled it again.

"Actually Joe, can I have a few shots of tequila too? I think I may need it tonight."

Joe filled a shot glass with the liquor and passed it too Meredith who promptly took it. Hearing the bell above the door ring she turned around to see George and Meredith walk in and sit down by her.

"Hey, was that McDreamy we just saw leaving?" Izzie asked.

"Yeah," Meredith said, her reply short and distracted, her mind still focused on Derek and the words he said, and exactly what he meant by them.

Izzie just looked at her friend, then at George, and shrugged her shoulders, leaving Meredith inside her own world for right now.


	6. Chapter 6

A.N.: Sorry this took so long, I had some computer problems and then finals hit, but here we are. And, of course, the events in the finale never happened in this story. Now on with the story!

-------------------

Meredith had precious few hours of sleep before her alarm clock went off the next morning. She stayed at the bar for a few hours talking and joking around with Izzie and George before she went home to a night of staring at the ceiling and thinking of what Derek had said and what exactly that meant for her in the days to come. She thought of Finn, comfortable and slow and sweet, and how much she needed someone like that at that moment in her life. She thought of Derek, intense and charming and passionate, and how that relationship turned her world upside down. When she first met him at the hospital he endlessly pursued her – _despite the fact he had a wife_, a voice in her mind whispered. As she got ready for the day, she started preparing herself for another chase like before.

She met Izzie and George, who only recently had moved back into the house, downstairs to head for the hospital and when they arrived there, she half expected to see Derek waiting inside the doors, chasing her down asking for a date, to give him another chance. She shook her head to clear her thoughts and reminded herself that she was dating another man, a good, decent man, and that she shouldn't expect to see Derek waiting for her at the hospital. She told herself last night, and reminded herself again, that she had changed and moved on and that she should ignore any of his advances towards her.

But Derek hadn't been waiting for her inside the doors of the hospital, or at the nurse's station, or even intentionally ran into her during rounds. In fact, she hadn't seen him at all until several hours of work passed and she briefly caught a glimpse of him rounding a corner with a chart in his hand, with nothing but a smile and nod from him. She was confused by this but couldn't spend much time pondering on that fact as she had to grab some labs on one of her patients.

The fact that she had barely seen Derek all day didn't last too much longer since one of her patients had been diagnosed with a tumor and she was to sit it on a surgery with him that evening. She knew she should keep focused on the surgery, and she was excited about being close up on another amazing procedure, but she would be lying if she didn't admit that she was also a little excited about being close to him again in a setting where they, in the past, had small moments of glances and words. This would be the first opportunity since last night's declaration from him to actually see close-up if he had a plan or not.

It wasn't long before she was in the operating room with him and the rest of the team, prepping for the surgery. There were the general pleasantries exchanged, but not much else causing a vague suspicion to show in Meredith's eyes. Maybe he had a little too much to drink the night previously and wasn't going to follow through on what he said, Meredith thought to herself, but she was certain that wasn't the case. Derek had recited his little mantra and then began the surgery motioning to the nurse to turn on the CD player placed in the room for the surgeons. Derek liked to listen to music while operating, as many of the other doctors did as well, and generally played some classical music or something similar, something soft to listen to but wouldn't interfere with his concentration. Although he enjoyed The Clash and similar bands, he would never play it in the operating room. So when the music came on and a voice started singing, she was a little surprised. As she listened to it, she quickly realized this wasn't The Clash or, well, any band he liked, but rather The Eurythmics, a personal favorite band of hers. He hated the band, telling her once that he couldn't stand Annie Lennox's voice, yet there she was singing on the player. She was startled and looked up at Derek who was giving her a grin and looking over at her through the glasses and realized that maybe he wouldn't be chasing her like before, this was going to be more subtle and she shivered. She could handle the chase, she was prepared for the chase and how to turn him down, all big actions and words and gestures, but subtle? Subtle she certainly wasn't ready for.

"_I'm so full of desire  
When you set my head on fire  
I need to be right by your side"_


	7. Chapter 7

Izzie clanked the mixing bowl down onto the counter, splashing bits of brownie batter over the sides, which she started making late that evening.

"He did what!" she asked incredulously.

"He played The Eurythmics. He hates The Eurythmics, but there it was playing in his operating room. I can't believe he did that!" Meredith replied, spooning out a bit of the batter onto her finger.

Izzie giggled, "Oh, I can believe it. He's trying to win you back."

"By playing The Eurythmics? He's trying to win me back by playing a CD?"

"He knows they're your favorite band. So he plays it when he could've chosen something else, but he chose that CD because they are your favorite and he wants you to feel good so you can come back to him and make him feel good," Izzie replied, with a waggle of her eyebrows at that last comment.

"Izzie!" Meredith chided, "If he thinks he can get me back by playing a damn CD, he better think again."

The door to the house suddenly opened and Meredith and Izzie turned their heads to the door, surprised to see Cristina walking into the kitchen.

"What are you doing here?" Izzie asked, giving Cristina an odd look.

Cristina, already headed toward the refrigerator, stopped and turned around, "Uh, Burke's at the hospital and I am bored and hungry. So I came over here."

"You couldn't eat something at your apartment?" asked Meredith.

"And miss out on free food from here? I thought for sure that Izzie would have made something," she replied.

"I'll have brownies ready pretty soon. And for the boredom, you should listen to Meredith talk about what McDreamy did today," Izzie said, scooping the batter into a pan.

"Oh, what did Shepherd do?"

Meredith sighed, "He played a CD in the operating room today-"

Izzie interrupted, "Her favorite CD."

Meredith rolled her eyes before saying, "He played The Eurythmics and Izzie thinks he's using that to try and win me back."

"Oh, he so is. And hey, he's got that whole not-a-vet thing going on too," Cristina replied.

"Cristina! Finn's a good guy!" Meredith said.

"Yeah, he's a good guy. Safe. Reliable. Boring. What are you doing Meredith?"

"He's perfect for me, Cristina. He won't hurt me and he makes me feel comfortable around him. I need this in my life."

"That's a load of crap. Meredith, you're a surgeon. You run around all day in an intense, high-pressure atmosphere. I swear everyone in this profession is an adrenaline junkie and you're no exception. You don't do things half-way at the hospital, and now you're telling me that some half-assed relationship is perfect for you? No way in hell I believe that. You chose surgery, not dermatology. Intense and exciting, over secure and really, really boring. That's who you are," Cristina said, exasperated at her friend.

"Why are you saying this to me?"

"Because I am sick and tired of everyone being mopey and depressed. Get yourself together and go get what you want."

"I am with Finn, Cristina. I like him. A lot." Meredith replied, turning away from her and heading towards her room.


	8. Chapter 8

Cristina's words continued to float around Meredith's mind. Or, if you asked her yourself, she might say they pounded away mercilessly at her insides. She liked Finn, she really did. He was sweet and kind and didn't play the games of teasing grins and seductive glances. He was one hundred percent upfront with her, so why did an uncomfortable feeling come over her every time she looked at him?

_Shame_, she thought to herself. _You're having second thoughts._

She couldn't help herself, not when her senses were being barraged on all sides by Derek all the time at the hospital. Just yesterday evening, she had opened up her locker to find a bottle of her favorite red wine sitting there. They had discussed wine one night while watching the sunrise over the ferry boats and she had mentioned her affinity for this wine's particular flavor.

_He remembered, _her inner voice whispered.

Derek's barrage of gifts and surprises hadn't stopped there either. When she was going through the cafeteria line at lunch, the lady smiled and winked at her before handing her a grilled cheese sandwich, chips, and a diet coke with a note on top of it.

"Already paid for," she said, before turning her attention to the next person in line.

When she sat down at the table, Izzie and Cristina's voices filling the air, she finally took a glance at the note.

_Grilled cheese is much better warm and served at lunch. I am sorry. About everything. I'm an idiot for giving you up and hurting you along the way. I never meant for that to happen, please believe me when I say I'm sorry. I'll be waiting for whenever you want to talk. I love you._

She sighed and stuffed the note into the pocket of her scrubs and tore into the potato chips with a snap. Izzie glanced at Cristina, an eyebrow quirked in question.

"McDreamy," Cristina said simply.

If there was something to be said for Derek Shepherd, it was that he was able to woo a girl quickly and efficiently, Meredith thought to herself before turning her attention back to the present. In the hours after her shift had ended, she went out to dinner with Finn. He was a gentleman through and through, opening doors for her and pulling out her seat at the restaurant. She tried to split the bill with him, but he waved her hand away.

"Not often a pretty lady accompanies me to dinner. I'm paying for this," he said with a wink.

A blush colored her features, but she wasn't sure exactly what to attribute it to; the fact that a good looking gentleman had just complimented her or the shame that constantly hung around her because she was thinking about another man on her date. Finn noticed a chance in her eyes and raised an eyebrow briefly, but otherwise didn't mention it.

They headed back to her house, filling the time with light conversation and jokes. Meredith did her best to keep her attention turned toward Finn, but it wasn't an easy task as her mind kept flitting back to Derek's persuasive 'nature.' Pulling up to her house, the lights were off except for the porch light, which was illuminating a tall package sitting by her door. Finn walked her up to the door, glancing curiously at her when she picked it up.

"Expecting anything?" he asked.

"Actually, no," she said, picking up the package after unlocking the door.

Finn helped her move the package inside to her dining room table, where she started to open up the box. Pulling it open, she gasped when she saw what was inside.

"What is it?" he asked as he saw her facial expression change.

"It's a painting. Of ferryboats."


End file.
